Talk:Ken Kaneki/@comment-79.191.17.54-20151201200232

Guys, can we go back to ch. 53 for a moment when Kaneki was talking to himself? To this one line: At some point, I mistakenly thought it was fine to want.

After I read this for a first time and thought about this scene for a while, I was certain that what he meant was that it was wrong for him to wish for happines, that he didn't deserve it. That he made a mistake of 'wanting' as 'Haise'. But what if what he meant was that he mistakenly started to wish for death again? We know that he wasn't actively suicidal before and I believe that it was at some point in his battle with Arima that he started to desire death. He couldn't stand pain anymore so he wanted Arima to kill him, just like he wanted Yamori to kill him during his torture. This, or he had a similiar mindset as Irimi - 'if it's like this, if it's today, then I can die; it's okay'. I don't know what exactly he was thinking. If it was just the biggest moment of crushing weakness and despair that made him give up hope. Or if it was just him accepting his possible fate and wishing for the end to come sooner, because physical pain was too much for him to handle.

What I think is, in Kaneki's eyes, it wasn't a 'cool death'. That's why he assured himself that next time, he'll die 'in a cool way'. He asked himself Is this your salvation? as he was genuinely surprised, how it can serve as salvation. But from his current perspective, for his past self, it was. He thinks this is how it is. That no matter what he does, at the end what's awaiting him is death.

'Haise' picked up this wrong way of thinking as he accepted he's Kaneki Ken. We have to wait a few chapters more to make a judgement, but I think at this moment, he threw away his 'Haise' mindset. He's once againg neglecting an important part of himself, which would explain why he's acting the way he is now. It's like he is letting himself drown in helplessness while holding desperately on this thought of making everyone love him after he dies, as if it was his last source of happiness.

This is not 'real' Kaneki Ken. Not yet. While he's obviously undergoing huge change, since he's starting to face reality and truth about himself, it's not over. Seeing people believing that he's permanently turned into some edgelord that doesn't give a shit about anything anymore and is obsessed with dying is truly upsetting.