Talk:Ken Kaneki/@comment-26967758-20151125184231

So, I think I was just going to put my input from my personal experiences versus what happens in the story.

Two days ago, I was admitted into the hospital. Slept there for a bit, I don't know what the reason it is yet, but I collapsed in my bathroom after a shower, and had felt really weak. Now, before I go into this any further, I have to tell the people on here that I have been suffering from a disease called Bell's Palsy. It's a condition where your facial muscles contracts and detioriate on one side, and can hamper facial movement. In my case, it was so severe that the entire right side of my body became weak along with my face. There is not really a known cause to this condition, except for severe mental stress or trauma, possibly staying in cold weather for too long, or improper sleeping and diet patterns. One of the most severe effects this had on me was I had lost the memories of my life. 20 years. I didn't remember a thing. Of course, people said things, but they brushed over my head, and while I felt it was familiar, it just couldn't recall it. Going to therapy, it helped. My memories were scattered all over the place, like a static televsion, so when I recalled things, it's as if I can see it quite clearly in my head again and remember exactly how things went down.

My condition is mostly the reason I was so drawn to Tokyo Ghoul as a whole. Since Bell's Palsy causes the person to lack motivation and become socially withdrawn, I related really well with Kaneki at the start. I also liked reading books. I felt I had to re-learn whatever I can to re-adjust to proper social conducts. It was also similar to how Kaneki had to readjust to being a ghoul. Once he came to mentally breaking down, I can only think back about what lead to me to have this condition in the first place. Of course, it's a bit too personal to explain how or why I ended up where I am, so I'll leave that out, but bottom line was, I went through a great depression and had a severe mental breakdown. In fact, after my breakdown, I suffered for months of severe migraine issues.

The psychologist I was seeing said I was repressing my memories, that I didn't want to face them, so I forced myself to forget in order to not deal with the trauma as of yet. In a way, this was really similar to Haise's situation. By some weird coincidence, I collapsed two days ago, and today, I've returned home after being admitted and getting some IV to boost my elecotrolytes. I actually remember a lot from my past now. It was almost as if my body went into shock and remembered by itself. I'm not sure how it worked, I'm still waiting on the scans to see what exactly caused me to collapse, but I woke up remembering and recalling feelings, memories, as well as thoughts I used to have. Needless to say, I understand Kaneki completely now. I've changed as a person in the years I lost my memories, but even if I do remember it now, I can't completely go back to being someone I used to be. In fact, I'm fucking confused at the moment. Frustrated, angry and filled with raw emotions. One moment, I'll be seeing things from the perspective of the person I used to be, prior to memory loss, and the next I'll see it from the viewpoint of the person I was after the memory loss. But today I realise both of those aren't me. It's a defense mechanism my mind made up to block me from experiencing the trauma because my mind and body just couldn't handle to shock yet.

Well, I've gone on about myself more than I usually do on the internet, but I just wanted to vent it out somewhere, and I figured, hey, why not put it up here so people can really see what it might be like for a real life person who had lost their memories and compare that to one of the main protagonists I really like. Haise was right, our personality is shaped by our memories and experiences, and right now, I have two conflicting ideals and way of life roaming in my head, and I can't exactly come to terms with some things yet, so I'm naturally frustrated with everything around me, the people in my life, the situations I'm in, as well as myself. So Kaneki acting out like he is now, I feel, from experience, is completely understandable. Please don't hate on him just because he seems cruel. I said harsh things today as well the moment I woke up, because I had figured out that I was extremely angry at my friends who weren't there for emotional support when I needed it. In fact, it was the fact that they weren't there that lead me to feeling like I was left all alone, which lead to my breakdown. But if there's something I learned to today, it's that the way we see the problem is the problem. I never took it into account someone else's problems as well. How can I expect friends or family members to understand me when I don't say anything? In a sense, am I not selfish that I wanted them around so I don't feel lonely as well, yet I was hurt at the same time, the same way Kaneki was?

It's really about perspective guys... and I think if you choose to look to at Kaneki as a whole, and not differentiate his personalities, then you'll see a whole complete person who's just confused. For him, it was one or the other; eat or be eaten, kill or be killed, hurt or be hurt (Kuro and Shironeki). Then it became hesitation and uncertainty about which one was more right (Haise), and now, it's just plain acting on catharsis without stressing one's self out with morality (currentNeki). In the end, your own health is more important than others, mental and physical. But it's not acting out in self interest only, I think it's more or less taking responsibility of yourself as a human being as a whole. You decide how you want to live, and see it through, and you decide how you want to die because you've just had enough of regrets and indecisiveness.