Thread:Buu123/@comment-27885221-20190206094800/@comment-27885221-20190206115951

Yeah i am doing better now. Still sometimes get depressed but that is all fine. Well yeah i just needed time to think about myself and relax. Now i feel nostalgia a bit. I did stay away from the TG Fandom for myself and others because i am not normal in my head. I can definitely say that but i try to work on it. TG and especially Eto's character dis remind me of parts about myself i did not want to accept so i loved my facorite character and this show but alsp feared it because Ishida is just so good in triggering deep feelings but i now accepted how i was.

I also know that my Eto obsession was so deep that i wanted to control other fans view in my favornlike them seeing her the same way i do ((I know that is mad)) and i mean yeah i was very posessive of views and in some way selfish but yeah i understand now how fucked up i was. But i just know that time i did not know what i was doing at all. I mean it was not just the online world but the real life too pushed me and i only saw negative. But now i am strong enough in my chest. I also hate one thing about myself and this is an inferioty complex. The more people joined in talking about TG or Eto or any character the more useless i felt. I felt like i am not worthy or good enough to be one of the fan group and i know it is ridiculpus but it all in the end was diagnosed as a mental disorder.

Now i did focus on TG again and i understand everything. I was so obsessed with controlling people that i could not enjoy my lobe for the show or Eto. I told myself it is everyone elae getting in the way of me enjoying it but in truth i was just destroying myself and fighting with myself. I reached in life a point close to the end or maybe even death with suicidical thoughts but i then felt this sadness. I have so much potential and i for the first time could see 20 % light and hope. I guess Fate wanted me to learn it the hard way. Now it was all a fight against myself. I am noe going to write a Fanfiction about TG with my own characters but also Eto and some TG characters about her just to let out some fan imagination and to let out my feelings.

Unlike you who seems to have an entertainment with loving something and is caoable to truly embrace and feel it i am also afraid of love and such. I still need to understand myself. I think i feel lonely in my soul or empty in some way. Wellni always pushed these hidden sides of me away as i saw them as weak because my father pushed me. I guess Tgbis that one special show and especially Eto that one character that somehow made me see myself. So this whole depressive behaciour when i was 17 because i am 21 now was because i kinda hated myself. For not being good enough. I felt and sometimes still feel worthless but i try to feel important. I try to fix it with all power. I might use that Fanfiction about Eto also to embrace myself as i am much more tied to the character than i thought because at one point i choose to avoid discussing or focusing on her because whenever i was focusing on her i felt first very happy and peaceful but also my insecurities and fears and my weaknesses all were revealed in my head and that made me go crazy and totally made me fear something unknown. I don't know life changed a lot but i am glad i am here again. I believe in Fate and that because i still live and walk through life, it means that there is something planned for me by a god or Fate you know so i stop forcing things. I just see what turn life takes